The Boss and I

Asking for It

2010-04-20T21:26:00.001-04:00

So I'm thinking about how I need to ask for what I need. Ask and you shall receive. (Don't ask, don't get.) I keep telling the Boss how much I like to be told what to do during sex. It really turns my crank. But it isn't always happening. (Read practically never.) So tonight, on our walk, I told him how much I need it.

We'll see how much each of us has learned how to listen.

And if this doesn't happen, what am I being told?

Learning to Listen

2010-04-18T21:02:00.003-04:00

So the Boss was trying to help me to get some things done today. I had made a comment this morning about how something wasn't done, and that it should have been a week ago. So this afternoon, he was gently reminding me to do it. I was making excuses. He was working through my excuses. I finally said, "You need to push me." and so he did.

We are both learning to listen.

Respecting his abilities

2010-04-18T20:26:00.003-04:00

So I was reading this about respecting your husband or HoH:

Need #2: Respect his abilities.

Men often need to figure things out for themselves and if they can, they feel like they’ve conquered something and are affirmed as men. So… next time he is trying to put together the new shelf from IKEA… don’t try to help him (unless he asks)!

and I kinda struggled with it, because I'm the one with the mechanical engineering degree, and I am very very good at doing things like putting together Ikea shelves. He is usually the one to let me do it on my own.

Leadership

2009-09-16T17:13:00.002-04:00

So I asked the Boss lastnight, "Do I let you lead?"

He replied "You always give me the opportunity to so."

DD or just plain pain

2008-10-31T11:18:00.003-04:00

S0 I tried to see what was salvageable from the DD part of our relationship. I went back to a forum I used to post to, to see what was happening. I am not sure why I didn't keep going back to that forum; I did get a good welcome there. I think my need for DD is not so strong as I thought is would be. My need for erotic spankings are pretty strong though. I asked the Boss for a spanking as well. I still wish that the Boss would take charge more during our lovemaking, but I am learning to deal with it. (24 years and counting of learning to deal with it.) What I am doing is telling him more explicitly what I want. "Squeeze my titty. Squeeze it real tight. Oh yeah, that's right." and then I moan with a combination of pain and pleasure. If I see satisfaction on his face, then I get more pleasure out of it. Maybe I am more of a pain slut than I realized.

Thanks for listening
Sereena

Trust

2008-08-19T12:06:00.002-04:00

It has been a very long time since I wrote on this blog. I'd like to try and sort through some of the reasons why this has been so.

I found out that Patty and Fred were a sham. There was no Fred, and Patty was very good at writing fiction. I still want to believe some of what she wrote, but she always maintained that what she wrote was fiction, I just didn't want to believe how much of that was fiction. She seemed to have such a solid grasp on the reality of D/s or DD in a marriage. Whatever you want to call it. This thing that we do.

I tried to put into place in my own real life marriage her insights. I tried to emulate her. When I found out that there was no Fred, I realized that what I was trying to do was emulate a lie. I was very shaken. I could hardly trust myself. I had believed her, hadn't I? What kind of discernment could I have, if I believed in such lies?

The journey the Boss and I were taking into DD came to a halt. I can't even remember if it was a sudden stop or a gradual one. I just know that we no longer tried to have the Boss boss me.

I'm still angry.

and I still miss the spankings.

Guilt, Shame and Sexual Response

2006-03-02T11:38:00.000-05:00

This post was written in reponse to Patty's post:

A Creative Spanked Wife: Dealing with the after worries and

Patty:

I was so very surprised to hear that you had feelings of guilt after “doing it.” I recall from other posts, that you waited to “do it” until you were married. I had a lot of feelings of guilt after “doing it” too, but I always thought that that was because I did it before marriage, and with someone who would not become my husband. I had a lot of guilt to work through on that score. I thought it was all because I did not wait for marriage. Now I hear that someone who did wait, still had those feelings. This is making me re-evaluate my feelings of shame.

On another note, I am starting to believe that those “shame” moments are essential to sexual desire. The blush, the excitement of doing something “naughty” help fuel arousal. I have found that with the shame gone, there is apathy and a blasé attitude. Definition of blasé: 1. Uninterested because of frequent exposure or indulgence.[i] Uninterested! That’s the word that leaped out and said “Yup that’s happening”. Have I lost something by allowing my husband to see me without shame? I recall reading something about “false” modesty. That we shouldn’t be ashamed to let our husbands see us naked, that there was no shame in it, that it was supposed to be like that. I tried to follow that advice, but it seems that that philosophy has lead to a deadened sensitivity to being naked and what normally follows.

Back to the doing something “naughty” to fuel desire. This could be my kink kicking in. or just plain holdovers from going too far before I was married. Before marriage, there were other guys. I would make out with them, but always, always, feel guilty for going too far. I would tell myself beforehand, “Don’t let him do X”, yet while in the middle of it, I would be unable to say no. The flash of excitement, that wonderful sexual rush, were just too hard to resist, at least for a while. Then the guilt would build up and I would put a stop to it. So, the guilt and the sexual arousal went hand in hand.

It took a lot to forgive myself after I got married. When we made love, I felt guilty for knowing more than my husband did. I now know that I knew very little more than he did, but those feelings of shame were mighty strong. What made the difference was that he never ever blamed me or was angry with me about what I had done. He forgave me long before I ever did.

So guilt and sex are strongly linked in my brain. Doing something risqué gets my libido up. Edgy sex, just the sound of it makes me interested. When I see pictures of women tied up, unable to say no, my pussy just runs with desire to be in her position. Unable to say no. Is that what is driving me? I want the guilt of desiring sex taken from me, by taking away my ability to say no. If I couldn’t stop it, then it’s not my fault, right? Maybe that is why rape fantasies are so popular.

But why have I morphed risqué into kink? What kind of kink do I like? I like spanking. I like being tied up. I like being told what to do. I like being positioned for his pleasure. “Spread your legs. Wider. Yeah, like that. Shove that ass out to me. Give it to me.” I like that he will tell me what he wants. With words! I like being unable to keep him from taking his pleasure in my body. I want to give up control of my own orgasms, so that he will take them from me whenever he wants to. Of maybe that could be phrased “give them to me” instead. I am sure there is a difference there, more than just semantics, but of mind set. That is just a hint of my kink. I am not yet ready to write down my darkest fantasies.

I think I’ve said all I need to right now.

Thanks for listening
Sereena

[i] The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2003. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

Colour Me Green...

2005-10-20T21:49:00.000-04:00

Your Blog Should Be Green

Your blog is smart and thoughtful - not a lot of fluff.
You enjoy a good discussion, especially if it involves picking apart ideas.
However, you tend to get easily annoyed by any thoughtless comments in your blog.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

At least I got that right!

Is This Really Me?

2005-10-20T21:37:00.000-04:00

Your Personality Profile

You are nurturing, kind, and lucky.
Like mother nature, you want to help everyone.
You are good at keeping secrets and tend to be secretive.

A seeker of harmony, you are a natural peacemaker.
You are good natured and people enjoy your company.
You put people at ease and make them feel at home with you.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

I chose this picture because of the direction and repitition in it; it has interest and is pleasingly balanced. I also like the green colour.

Sorry Folks, it HAS been a long time, eh?

2005-10-14T22:38:00.000-04:00

It feels like forever since I last posted. I have been busy with other things. I have gotten my fix for "putting it out there" by posting on a forum (which I have described previously). But even that has been put on the back burner for a while, since I got a JOB!!! Yeah me! But it has left me almost too pooped to peep. Since my heart attack two plus years ago, I had not worked. Now I have been working 40 hours a week, (in a part-time job!) This past week it is back down to "only" 28, but I am involved with teaching and tutoring and other creative stuff at church, as well as being a parent, spouse and, and well just me.

Lately, I have been rather well behaved. Haven't "earned" any spankings, NOR gotten any good girl ones either. Bummer. There was one a while back that I did not talk about any-where. Maybe I should hash it out here.

I had tried to joke around with my daughter. She had bought some icecream for herself, and I wanted some. So I took some, even while she asked me not to. Being the "mom" , she could do little to stop me, but I tried to joke around about it, play "Nah na nah na naah na" (toungue sticking out) with her. It left her felling angry and helpless. The Boss witnessed this. He was NOT amused. He called me to task on it. Spanked me for it. Made me realize and respect my postion of authority over my daughter. I abused that position. I apologized to her. Our relationship has gotten better since then too. Thanks Boss!

Well, I have to be up early in the morning, so I had better try to get back to sleep. 'Night all!

Thanks for listening,
Sereena

Hot Tush Syndrome

2005-08-14T19:02:00.000-04:00

I'm am just beaming right now. My tush is sore, and I'm loving it. I got a maintenance type spanking today. We were going to work at a "just because" spanking, not an erotic one, where the pain never surfaces, nor a punichment one, where feeling sexy is a no-no, but a just because I need a spanking one. We were going to work at making me cry, because I don't cry easily during a punishment spanking, and I would love to have that release and cleansing. Well, crying didn't happen, but I got wonderfully into this spanking. I kept my ass up there for him as much as I could, even through the pain. I had these wonderfully overwhelming feelings wash over me when I could really put it out there. They were close to an orgasm, really close, but not quite there yet. Maybe that will happen yet, orgasming because of a spanking. I hope so.

My tush didn't feel sore when we were finished, it just felt hot and almost without feeling. A few hours later though, I could really feel a deep pain. For the first time, it hurt to sit down. We have since gone for a walk. Pumped the blood into those muscles, and now there is very little pain, just a nice warm feeling. Shucks. I was looking forward to feeling this one for a few days.

Thanks for listening.
from a very sereene Sereena

How to Loose Weight, according to my MD

2005-08-06T15:19:00.001-04:00

I was at the docs the other day, and among other things, we talked about me loosing some weight. He told me I'm a smart woman (gotta like that man!) and knew what to do, but he did give me a few pointers.

Only eat three meals a day.
Don't eat anything after 7 pm.
Exercise slow and long (at least an hour at a time.)
To help me realize how much I eat, write down everyhting that goes in my mouth, absolutely everything, well except maybe for your husband.

Semantics and Labels

2005-08-04T11:46:00.000-04:00

So the Boss labeled it DD, and I always thought of what we were doing as more D/s but heading towards DD. We started out, about 7 years ago, trying to figure out BDSM. The games in the bedroom were fun, but it just felt like “playing house” rather than real living. (I think I’ve said all this before.) We came to realize that for it to become real for us, we needed to allow discipline to be “for real”. I do believe that this is where the Boss gets the idea that we are in a DD relationship. Hmmmm.

Well, we were talking about it again last night. That is why I am bringing it up here again.

Last time through this, (we had a few year hiatus while we dealt with depression and heart attacks) I made the mistake of abdicating my role as an adult in my search for that elusive “naughty girl” feeling. Now, though, I am getting much better at asking for what I need.

I needed a spanking this morning. I was upset last night when I did not get any nighttime nookie. I didn’t bother pestering the Boss with it, but I did lay awake and toss and turn for hours before I could get to sleep. In fact the only way I could get to sleep, was to tell myself that I would tell the Boss that I had had my nose out of joint last night, and needed a spanking, or he would not come home to a well-behaved wife. So I told him. He didn’t quite get it, because he was going to wait until tonight to give me any spanks. I told him I needed it now. He gave it to me this morning, as he was getting ready for work. Pulled me over his lap, and gave me a few nice licks over my panties. Why over the panties? Well, I am just starting my period, and he didn’t think that I could handle much more than that. He was right too. I may have asked for a naughty girl spanking, but I got a good girl one.

Thanks Boss, from your serene Sereena.

From Coveting to Obedience

2005-07-26T18:23:00.000-04:00

So I’ve been trying to write a blog on coveting. This is because I have had a major case of coveting someone else’s husband, and I wanted to give myself a lecture or sermon on the topic. See, there’s this commandment that says

“Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's.” Ex.20:17

When you get a sermon on this one, it is usually about the material stuff. No-one will dare to address the “Wife” part, because it’s rather politically incorrect to refer to women as property, and this commandment implies that big time. But yet, I was having trouble with the coveting a “person” part. It may have been the opposite flavour, that being me (a woman) coveting the husband of another. But a problem none-the-less. So I went looking for sermons on-line. Here is one that I found that really helped me: Do Not Covet: Loving God in Thought, Word, and Deed and this is the part that spoke to me, and I quote:

"Be wary of, be aware of your desires, your affections, your emotions and guard them. Guard them with a passion so that you do not fall in love with, or become envious of, or jealous of, or idolize (and so often in the scripture, this commandment is tied in with idolatry), so that you do not idolize what is not yours to have: both those things which are wrong in themselves (and that’s relatively easy to say but it’s much harder not to idolize or to become jealous of or envious of those things which are not always wrong, but which are wrong for you, and wrong for you right now, because they will seldom deliver to you what they promise, but instead, may very well do the opposite — they may consume you and destroy you, and eat up your life, and more than that, eat up and destroy and consume the lives of others around about you as well, whether you mean to hurt them or not. Through your covetousness, you destroy yourself and others.) Keep guard over what you desire. Do not allow yourselves carelessly to covet.

I do NOT want to destroy myself or those around me, so I’m working real hard on not coveting the relationship that another married couple has. I’m doing this by focusing on my own marriage, and looking for the good in it, and how I can help build up my own husband, to bring out his strengths, rather than what I might like to have at the moment.

I started a while ago to give my husband more respect, not because he asked or demanded it, but because I owe him that. He is my husband. Here is a one definition of husband:

To direct and manage with frugality; to use or employ to good purpose and the
best advantage; to spend, apply, or use, with economy.

When I think of how the Boss treats me, it is with this definition in mind. He looks after me. He cares for me, for my “good purpose.” This concept has helped me to submit to his authority. I know that he has my best interests at heart. I learned this through experience. I realized it after 12+ years of marriage, and now we are married more than 20 years.

It was around that 12-13 year point that marked a change for us. We discovered BDSM. We morphed it into our own brand of D/s. It was working for us, but then as the Boss put it “Life happened” He got depressed, then I got real depressed, and then I had a cardiac arrest. We put the fun spanking and rope bondage stuff on the back burner for a while. Unfortunately, we also put aside the accountability of punishment spankings. We are starting to get back into that.

But here comes the kicker: the Boss is not sure that this is right for him. We have joined a forum that discusses domestic discipline and living with it. I am very glad that he is reading it. (He surprised me there.) It is helping us see how others live with this thing. (What they spank for, how they perceive it to work, their own doubts, humour too and so forth) As well, I am not sure this is right for him. He does not have this driving need to dominate me. I put it down to his never needing anyone’s approval for what he does. He just doesn’t give a d*@m what others think of him. He’s self assured.

But now that I think of it a bit more… He is struggling with depression. So he may not give any outward signs of needing others approval, but he is not happy with himself either. He is not as self assured as he shows to the world. I am able to see the little signs that say that, when he starts to get into “lecture mode” as I call it, or when he always has to top someone else’s story with his own. The more he brags, the less he thinks of himself. When he is content in our marriage, and with himself, he has no need to brag, or exaggerate.

Funny thing is, when I first met him, I believed all his bragging. It attracted me to him. It wasn’t until after we were married, and his boasting decreased, that I realized it for what it was- insecurity. He once told me that the reason he exaggerates is because his mom didn’t believe him. He had to make the story big enough that the part that his mom would believe would be the truth. (Makes you think about blowing off kids and what they say, eh?)

So, where was I? Oh, him not needing to dominate me. But I still need it. Maybe I am just wanting the extra attention and communication that comes with the successful DD lifestyle. (The erotic spankings are a good reason too!) But we are working through this, a bit at a time, and that leads to obedience. I have to follow his leading in this too.

Thanks for listening
Sereena

Getting Past the Hurts

2005-07-22T18:11:00.000-04:00

When I wrote my last post, I was in a blue funk. I found myself mindlessly playing solitaire, and I realized it was because I was "hurtin". What I didn't say, or even want to admit to myself, was that there were very real reasons why the Boss did not want to read stuff on-line about DD or D/s.

I have noticed that the Boss, and very many of his male relatives, is very good at making "excuses". We joke about it as a family. I tease my father-in-law about it, and he loves my teasing. Makes my mom-in-law laugh too. Yet, it can be a real problem. So, when the Boss made a ineffective excuse to close the forum down, I didn't want to be lenient. I didn't want to make any more excuses for him, like that fact that he was in very real pain. (He did a real number on himself with a knife at work. We'll know in a few weeks, when the swelling goes down, if he will need any surgery to repair the nerves.)

I did talk about it later that night, in bed with him. I asked if he was really interested in this direction we are going, meaning getting back into D/s and more into DD. He reassured me that he was. Then I promised that I would wait for him to be through with the pain. I would be waiting, when the pain was over, I would be there.

I fell asleep in that reassurance.

It hurts

2005-07-20T20:17:00.000-04:00

The Boss and I were trying to get him logged into a forum I have started posting to. We got him logged in, and then he made an excuse to leave, and so wanted to shut the forum down. I suggested that he just leave it open and come back to it. He then admitted that he really had no interest in it. This forum is about domestic discipline. I am very interested in it. Obviously.

So I left him to come to another computer in the house. I found myself playing solitaire, just trying to numb the pain.

It hurts.

A Creative Spanked Wife

2005-07-16T13:42:00.000-04:00

A Creative Spanked Wife

There was the same buton on top of Patty's site. So I tried it too. I think this is what the choice meant when it said I could edit blogs while reading them. I just never figured out how until now. It really doesn't edit them, it just lets you add a new one. You still have to go to your blogger dashboard to edit old ones. (I think.)

The Boss and I

2005-07-16T13:39:00.000-04:00

The Boss and I

There's a button on the top of my blog that says BlogThis! so I pressed it. Let's see what happens.

The Eyes Have It

2005-07-14T15:56:00.000-04:00

Things have been chugging along here just fine. Well, maybe not, but we'll get to that. I believe that my submission to B is getting better again. Like I said in an earlier post, I am giving him more respect. That makes a difference. What I want to talk about is how B is taking back his rights as the Boss in this house.

I've not been pulling my share in this marriage. I will sit all day and read stories and posts on-line or steamy romance novels. (My daughter calls romance porn for women. She doesn't like that I read them.) I promise to do things and they don't get done. The Boss tells me to do this or that, takes the time out of his busy day to MSN me even, and I still don't get it done. I make all the right noises when he's talking to me, but the action just isn't there.

So the other night, he comes home, asks me if I've brought his soccer shoes to the shoemaker, like he asked me to. Oops. If I've worked on the bills, like he asked me to. Oops. Then the eyes glare at me. He's pissed. I make my usual noises of apology, and I see him turning away from me. I as so scared that he will not bother with me. That I've disappointed him again, and that he won't make the effort to get mad at me. I saw the glare; I know he cares still. So I ask for punishment.

Well, yeah, I got a lickin' later that night. I'm glad to have gotten it. It was stingy, but over quickly. He counted them out for me. That really helped me to get through it. He hadn't told me how many he was going to give me, but I could hear it in his voice when he was going to end it. so I could accept the ones close to the end, that were almost too much, cause I knew when it was going to end. I kept shaking my butt to try and get rid of the sting. I didn't wiggle it, I shook it. (Does anyone else do that? Does it work?)

A day or so later, I was again thanking the Boss for my spanking. I said it was something needed, and if needed again to please not hesitate. You won't will you boss? You'll keep my in hand? please?

Love from
Just Me

Officious Busybody Repairmen

2005-06-21T17:08:00.001-04:00

So it's not exactly to code! So there's a little dip in the flue pipe of the hot water heater! It's worked that way for more than 14 years now, so what's the problem? "Well", says the CYA* expert, "if anything were to happen, I would be held responsible, since I have seen it, and know the code." Yeah, I know, I even agree with him, a bit.

But the problem was the gas meter was in the way. The gas company isn't planning on putting it outside any time soon, so that means that I need to pay for it. They wanted $140 just ot come out and give me an estimate! Now the flue went through a old bricked chimney to get to the furnace flue. I started out by trying to enlarge that hole, so that the darn thing angled up instead of down. I also thought I would put in 4" pipe instead of 3", for 2 reasons. One, I can get a bigger hot water heater if it has the 4", and two, I had some 4" elbows (leftover form a previous project) and the 3" ones were toast. Notice the "started out" comment? Well, it didn't work.

So, on to plan B. I knocked a hole in the double brick wall that butts up against that old chimney. You say, "what's a double brick wall doing in your basement?" Well, the house is old. Real old, like build in 1837 old. So that's how I spent my day. Pounding away with a hammer, cold chisel, and crow bar. It sure helped get rid of some of my anger at the Officious Busybody Repairman.

*CYA=Cover Yer Ass

Vanilla

2005-06-17T08:14:00.000-04:00

Not much is going on here lately, just getting into a more intimate relationship. It may be a "vanilla" one, but it is getting there. I've been working through things in my mind a lot. Even without the Boss's input, I've been doing my best to give him respect. That really helps, because when I temper my thoughts with respect, I see a man worthy of my respect. I see the bounce in his step and see the pride rather than the dweeb. I see the hurts he suffers and have compassion rather than scorn for weakness. Giving respect builds our relationship up. I like that.

On another note: I've been trying to think of story lines, but nothing is coming to mind. I might post some old stories that I've written, but they don't really describe where I am today. I am afraid they might turn people off. I've noted that I have a few (very very few) visitors, but I've received no comments on my stories so far. Even if you don't like my stories, please let me know. Tell me what parts turn you off, or don't ring true. I might even do a bit of a re-write with some constructive critisism.

Bye for now
from Just me

Learning

2005-06-13T10:53:00.001-04:00

Well, I was reading a post from Patty and have learned a bit about submission. It is something that is NOT easy to give, but is easier when it is wanted and expected from both parties. Fred expected it, and got it, allbeit a bit later that was desired by Patty. This post of mine may make a bit more sense if you read my comment to her in her comments section to that post.

The Boss and I have been through ups and downs to our D/s relationship. It used to be much stronger, but as he said in a previous comment, life happens. He says that I've been so touchy that he felt he could not push me, but that has not stopped me from trying to push him. Now I get these big puppy dog eyes when I do something I shouldn't. ARGGHH!

The other night, some friends of my son stopped by, and we all stood by the door and kibbitzed. I went too far and really dissed him. I wish I hadn't. I think I should bring it up to him. Tell him that is not something I am proud of, and neither should he be.

Bye for now
Just Me

Restless

2005-06-05T20:59:00.001-04:00

I've been unalble to settle on anything today. I've looked at a few blogs, then played solitaire, then tried to read some on-line stories, etc. I've even tried getting out some sketching stuff, with erotic ideas dancing in my head that I wanted to get on paper, but what did I draw? My own foot and hand. That's it. I've been snooping in the frig all day long, but at least there, I've managed to just drink a lot of water too.

Submission and Door-mats

2005-06-04T20:57:00.000-04:00

I've been reading the Burblings of Am and I have some thought on this comment of hers:

"It has taken me a while to come to terms with this - that I am a submissive,
that I can still be a strong woman despite - or perhaps because of - it, and
that my submissiveness is not just about sex. I'm never going to be meek or a
door-mat - I never have been, not even in my head...."

I have struggled with my submissiveness too. I am also a strong woman. Willful. Stubborn. But I have made the mistake of becoming a "doormat" when I try to live out that submissiveness. When I try to be submissive, I won't do anything unless the boss tells me to do it first. That's not a good way to live a married life. Well, I think I may have come up with a reason why I have done that. It is because I have been afraid that the Boss does not have it in him to actually dominate me, that he won't "take me in hand", that he won't stand up to my pushing him.

So Boss, what do you think? If I push hard enough, will you push back?

Just Sittin' here thinkin...

2005-06-04T14:31:00.001-04:00

I've not been busy today. Just wishin' my day away.

I'm still trying to figure out how much to put on this blog. The Boss was a bit surprised at how much intimacy I put into the previous post. He wondered about what he would say if anyone asked him if I had written it. He then figured no one would ever actually ask, so he didn't worry about it any more.

That's what he was thinking about that post. What I was thinking was about all the stuff that I had re-read, that I had wrote some years ago. It was all about our journey into the BDSM D/s lifestyle. It seems like ages ago, almost like it never happened. It's not like that anymore, and I really miss it. At least I can feel enough to miss it. That's a good sign. Depression rots.

Climbing out of that pit of blackness has been a long haul, and it ain't done yet. It makes it doubly difficult when it's both of us trying to climb out. Each of us wants the other to do the work, so it never gets started. Well, that's not quite true. The hard work is definitely started, and almost done.

You know, I think that the lack of enough money is a big part of the problem. Bills hanging over our heads is a real black cloud. So... The soloution? Either get more money, or make the money we have be enough.

Enough on my black clouds.

I think we're on our way back to a D/s lifestyle. Finally.

First Scene

2005-06-03T12:05:00.001-04:00

I wrote this in September 1997.

Hearing about Leigh’s nipple piercing, and how her Master carefully played with the tender things shortly aftrwards has brought back memories of my breast surgery. In January of this year I had a lump removed. In my convalescing time I searched the net and found all sorts of wonderful stuff on BDSM. This is when our D/s relationship started, and this story is our first scene as best as I can recall.

My First "Scene"

The Boss lays cuddled up behind me, spoon fashion, idly fondling my breasts. I am antsy for more yet still wary. The left breast is still not completely healed from the surgery, but we have avoided any sort of bouncy movement for two weeks now! I need to have the physical demonstration of your love to me. Baldly put, I need sex and need it badly! But you just toy with me, knowing my need, stoking the fires slowly.

It has been a while for you too. You know that I need to learn to trust you with that breast again. I have been very protective of it. The fear of losing it completely was immense, but the relief of knowing there is no cancer in it was worth the pain of the surgery. The pain was rather sexual as well. The nipple has stayed erect for a solid week, day and night. Just the simple caress of the bed sheet was enough to make me whimper at first.

But now, you are touching it, holding it gently and rolling it between your fingers. You take the other nipple and pinch a bit harder, and then return to the left one, gripping it a bit harder now too. Your other hand glides down my back to the cleft in my bottom.

My breathing is coming harder and faster now. My back arches with yearning. I turn my face back so that I can kiss you. Your kisses are hungry, but restrained. You are building the fire in me. I still cannot move about wildly, like my body yearns to do. I have to hold myself back somehow. Your other hand slides between my cheeks and rims my tight ass very lightly. The touch on the hairs is electrifying. I want to open myself up to you. My knee rises slightly in response. I feel the liquid pool in my pussy; It has been too long! You quietly muse "maybe I should take you back here tonight" and the thought is planted.

I start to fantasize about you filling me up so full back there. You know how much I enjoy that full feeling, but we still have problems with me tensing up and asking you to stop. The sting can be too much at times. But you continue to fondle that breast, nibbling my neck and running your hand over my body. Your hand returns to my ass, and you again suggest that you might take me back there. My body arches in response, my breathing is ragged, and I am mewling in heat.

I am learning to trust your hand on my breast, yet my body is begging for more. I do not feel pain from that nipple now but pleasure. A heat suffuses me, and I become spineless. You feel my acquiescence. Your hand is at my ass, and you growl in my ear "Do you want it here?"

I try to let you know by body language, by mewling, and by the deep guttural sounds coming from me.

But you continue to tease me, pulling at my nipples and rimming my ass. A slow deep grin covers your face.

"Beg for it." Hard. Like you won’t unless I truly beg you.

My body convulses slightly and I breath out "Please, oh please fuck me."

"Where?"

"Please fuck me in the ass" I am mortified to have to ask you for this. My body is begging, and now my entire being is begging you to take me.

You roll me over onto my tummy and my sore nipple. My entire back side is filled with pumping blood, and I slip into a submissive mode, which is so new to me. I am not tight and anxious, but loose and waiting, nay, yearning to be used by you.

You push your cock head into my tight hole and I feel expanded and wonderful. You have somehow gotten lube out and on me without my being aware of it. The slow slide feels hot. My heart is close to bursting.

You keep a slow tempo for a while and then pick up the speed. I become a little afraid, and start to come out of that wonderful new subspace that I am experiencing. The friction is not a welcome feeling, so I beg for more lube. You do so, and then slow the tempo back down. I am on the bed, face down, hips raised, back arched, knees spread wide.

You start to pump faster again, and again I feel myself rising out of subspace. I then ask of you what I have never asked for and you have never given before; I ask you to slap my ass. I did not expect such an immediate and swift reply! The crack on my ass was strong. I sank quickly to the place where your pleasure is my pleasure.

My head is back on the bed, not up and resisting, but bowed in humility. The hot sting on the cheek of my ass has certainly taken my mind off of the sting in my back door, but more importantly, it has made my loosen up, instead of fight you, and the pain is not so great for that simple reason.

My mind swirls and dips and soars. My heart reaches out to yours as you climb inexorably towards your own release. I feel the tension rise, and then you push your hips hard into me and shudder. Your collapse onto me is a welcome weight. I feel surrounded and loved by you.

A little later, after we have cleaned your member, we return to our bedroom. I have a deep need to fall at your feet, to show you how much I needed that. It felt "right" for the first time. I was no longer taking my pleasure from you, robbing you of you masculinity, but being open and vulnerable to you, my Master and my husband.

I love you.

The Tetchy Morning (a story)

2005-06-02T20:05:00.001-04:00

This is a story I wrote in September 2001. The outline I started with is this:

The lesson
Obedience
Blessing
Expanded Borders-new experiences

It's not finished yet. If I get any comments on it, I just might put the effort into continuing the story. Please let me know what you think.

Thanks from

Just me

Sereena was uptight and nervous. Benjamin’s plans for their new holiday seemed rather far-fetched, and she wasn’t sure if everything would work out.

“Are you sure that Bill can cut the lawn while we’re gone, Ben? What if he does like his brother Sam did to Joe’s fish pool last year? Joe spent years breeding those goldfish, and Sam just let them all die, out of sheer laziness! And I’m not sure I want to go through the mountains in a motor home.”

“Sereena.” came Ben’s firm voice, “Enough already. We’re going. The motor home is packed. The plans are made. We’ll experience some wonderful things this year, just like we always have. You’ve trusted me before, keep trusting me. I love you, and want what is best for you.”

But Sereena hardly heard Benjamin’s words of comfort and warning. She ploughed right on. “Benjamin, I am so afraid of bridges. You know that. How can you say that this is best for me, when the bridges through those mountains defy description?”

She ended with the whining complaint “ I don’t want to go, even if everything is packed. Unpack them. Tell everyone that we don’t need them to look after the house while we’re gone, because we’re not going. I’m not going. I don’t want to.”

Benjamin’s eyes narrowed as he surveyed his wife. He did not say anything. He had already said they were going, and that was enough. His word was law in this household, as Sereena had learned many years ago. Why she was forgetting that fact at this moment was of concern to him. His mind went through what she had said and he thought ‘She’s afraid of the mountains, and doesn’t trust me to get her through them safely. Well, I’ll just have to teach her some lessons all over again then’ He then put his thoughts into action.

Benjamin’s powerful frame uncoiled from the doorframe he was leaning in, to reach for his sometimes submissive and sometimes wilful wife. She had foolishly turned her back on him when she made the statement that she wasn’t going. Her long straight hair hung freely down her back, just the way he insisted she wear it. And he insisted for this very reason: He twisted his beefy hand in the silken tresses until his grip was close to her scalp. Without saying a word, he marched her to their bedroom.

Sereena’s heart rate was already elevated from thinking of her fear of bridges, so when Ben grabbed her by her hair she went into full fledged fight or flight mode.

“Benjamin! Please, Ben!” and she twisted and turned trying to reach his arm, to loosen his grip. She knew what was coming, or thought she did. She had tried to defy the man she had given her life to, the man whom she had pledged to obey and who had pledged in return to never let her go. Her body tingled in anticipated fear of her imminent punishment. The petite sized mass struggled and careened down the hallway on the end of the arm of chastisement until the sanctum of the bedroom was reached. As they came through the doorway, Sereena ceased struggling. They were here, and there was no changing that anymore. She knew that from experience, painful experience. Only then did the Master of the household speak.

“Sereena, it was 15 years ago that you gave your oath to obey me. You gave it freely, in addition to the wedding vows you spoke more than 20 years ago. I promised you many things as well, and within those promises was the promise to _be_ your husband and master, to guide you in your walk of obedience and to even punish you. You have learned those lessons well, but they need to be re-learned today. Now strip.”

Hearing her Master’s steely tone brought Sereena’s tears to overflowing. Her hands shook as she pushed the buttons on the front of her sundress through each buttonhole. The long row of buttons, which had seemed so innocently sensual when she bought the dress, was now a torment of anguish for her. She had thought to prolong Ben’s enjoyment of her when she undressed for him that night, but now they only prolonged her own agony. The last button was undone. She slipped the dress from her shoulders and placed it on the slipper chair. She hesitated for a moment, but Ben’s voice thundered

“NAKED, WOMAN! I want you naked and vulnerable.” He finished on a mere whisper “Now finish stripping for me.”

Sereena’s fingers fumbled on the familiar bra clasp, as she sniffed back a hiccupping sob. The bra followed the dress to the chintz covered chair. There were no stockings to remove, since it was July, and very warm, but the lacy panties were almost jerked down her smooth legs in her haste to obey. The peach coloured confection had hidden a smooth and bare pussy. The nakedness of her feminine centre left her feeling even more vulnerable. Her hand clenched the panties tightly. She knew she was to offer them to Ben, but her fear was much worse today, and she merely stood there and shook instead.

Ben silently held out his hand. She placed the panties in them, screwed her eyes shut and opened her mouth. The Master of the household and Master of this trembling woman gently filled her mouth with her own panties. “Now, my little one,” he began as usual, “assume the position.”

The beautiful wrought iron bench at the foot of the bed was for more than just decoration. It wasn’t a flimsy mass -produced piece of tin, but made lovingly by the Master’s own hand and strength. Sereena’s mind filled with memories of the hammering she had heard when he made it. It was of a particular height and width and length. It had ingenious “decorations” on it, that were transformed to various holding devices.

Benjamin had placed it in the centre of their sanctum as she had undressed.

Sereena stood before it, spread her legs wide, at least five feet wide, so that her feet where on the outside of its legs, then she bent forward. She rested her forearms on the padded bench, which was low enough that her bottom was jutting rudely to the ceiling. She finally let her head hang over the far edge of the bench. Her hair fell forward and covered her shame filled face.

She always felt shame when she was over this bench. She had disappointed her lover by wilfully disobeying him yet again. Her wide legged stance helped to pull her pussy lips apart, but that was not the only reason they gaped. Her desire for him had lead her to this place where he ruled over her. The evidence of her desire was starting to pool on her lower lips, and drip down her left leg. She felt more shame as she realized, yet again, that when Ben spanked her, she became erotically charged. Her heat engorged pussy lips were only slightly cooled by the summer breeze coming in the window. Her nipples contracted tightly, pushing the tips along the smooth leather covering.

The snick of Ben’s belt being removed from his jeans brought her head up. “Put your head down again, woman. I do not want to restrain you. You know this lesson too well to need to be restrained.”

The fine boned woman lowered her head, closed her eyes and made a frightened “Uhummm” in the back of her throat. Benjamin took the buckle in his dominant hand, wrapped the belt around it once and then ran his other hand down the length of the belt till it reached the tip. He folded the belt over and placed the tip of the belt into the hand that held the buckle.

His strong arm, well muscled from years of iron work, drew back to strike the tender cheeks before him. As the sharp report of the leather meeting flesh cracked through the room he began to lecture her

“This _crack_ is going to be _snap_ a lesson in obedience _smack_, woman. _slap slap_”

Sereena gripped the front edge of the bench with white knuckles, keeping her head lowered and her ass up and exposed. The sharp pain of each stroke burned through her mind, as she struggled unsuccessfully to not clench her bottom cheeks. The front of her mind knew that clenching made it worse, but subconsciously she could not stop herself. She felt all tight inside. Her teeth were gritted tightly together against the pain, and her eyes were screwed shut.

“I said _smack_ we were going, _smack_ therefore we are! _CRACK_ There is no back talk _slap_ in this household. _whack whack_ There is no insolence _smack_ either”

Tiny shriek-like grunts were escaping from Sereena’s tightly held jaw. The heat was increasing, as the belt blazed across her vulnerable cheeks. At the beginning of this “lesson” she had been feeling a sense of shame. Her thoughts were turned inwards as she thought of herself and her folly. As it progressed, the searing fire in her backside brought her thoughts to her husband and Master, the one who was wielding the instrument of her shame.

Benjamin continued “There is obedience. I know that you know this. You learned this lesson before, but today you needed some reminding eh? Tell me what you had forgotten? Who is the Master of this house? Who is your Master?”

I'm Sorry

2005-06-02T19:34:00.000-04:00

This is something I created with a simple paint tool, before I had a scanner. I used it as a watermark in a letter I wrote to the Boss. Guess you can tell what the letter was about, eh?

I'm sorry.

First Blogging Post

2005-06-02T14:49:00.000-04:00

Well, I've created a blog. Not sure exactly what I want to do with it yet. I've been inspired by Patty, at A Creative Spanked Wife, but don't know if I have the guts to actually post about that kind of stuff. What kind of stuff? Well go look already! The link is there.

How do I post who I am, without giving away who I am. If I don't post about my kinky side, then there is no problem with letting everyone know who I really am, but... But I want to include that too.

There's the rub. I want to include it too. Which meants that there is other stuff I want to talk about. It's the other stuff that will give away who I am.

So what's a girl to do? Well, I'll just start with this one post and see how it goes. I'll show it to the boss tonight and see what he has to say about it.

Love from
Just me